Text by Hsiao-Yang Kuan, Intern Therapist
Reviewed by Ru-Fan Cheng, Counseling Psychologist
Ugh, why are they asking about my feelings again?
Perhaps you've had this experience: during counseling, you thought you'd expressed yourself clearly, but the therapist still asked, "How does that make you feel?" or "What are you experiencing?" You might feel confused about why it's necessary to discuss or experience your emotions and feelings in counseling. What does this have to do with the issues or difficulties you want to address?
Emotions Are Our Inner Compass
I wonder if you've ever interacted with cats or dogs. We can often guess if they are happy, angry, or sad from their expressions and body language. Through these guesses, we know what they need and how we can meet their needs.
It's similar for humans. Emotions represent our inner state, and they tell us what we need right now. When we feel sad, we need care and comfort from others; when we feel angry, we need to be respected; when we feel happy, we need someone to share that joy with us. These are essentially hardwired into our brains. Through emotions, we can assess our situation; they act like an internal compass, guiding us to meet our needs and connect with others.
But the Emotional Compass Can Malfunction
However, as we grow into adulthood, this compass can malfunction. Malfunctioning means that emotions become something to be "managed," "restrained," "eliminated," or "controlled." Emotions become a burden or an impediment, always seemingly getting in the way of what we want to pursue.
The compass's function for emotions might malfunction because, during our growth, emotions were often unacknowledged or dismissed. For example, when you feel sad after losing a competition or not performing as well as others, you might get a "You'll do better next time" from someone. Or perhaps no one faced and shared those very painful, uncomfortable, complex feelings with you. For instance, a partner might make you feel happy when you're together, but sometimes you feel disrespected and angry, yet for you, it's a foggy "feeling."
Emotions Collect Dust, But They Still Emerge
When emotions are not acknowledged and don't have the chance to be properly responded to, we naturally throw this innate emotional compass into the basement of our minds. Over time, it collects dust, seemingly forgotten, but in reality, it quietly persists. If one day we encounter a similar situation again (the so-called "triggering memory"), this compass, in order to function, might stir up more intensely, seemingly "forcing" us to confront it. At this point, emotion itself is labeled as something that needs to be "resolved," but in fact, it's just that we've had a distant relationship with it for a long time.
For example, we often don't want to feel anxious because anxiety seems to negatively affect daily life or work performance. We always feel that anxiety gets in the way at critical moments. But in fact, the original purpose of anxiety is to help us prepare and proactively deal with life's challenges. This is the direction the "anxiety" compass tries to guide us in.
However, due to various past experiences, we've long locked the anxiety compass in a distant corner of the basement. When life's challenges approach, the compass in the basement, to fulfill its function, has no choice but to transform into an "uninvited guest" frantically ringing the doorbell. It comes quickly and urgently, and you can't get rid of it. At this point, the anxiety in our eyes becomes huge and terrifying. After all, we've rarely had the opportunity to receive its guidance for a long time, and we've become strangers with anxiety, a friend who should have helped. Who likes an uninvited guest suddenly knocking on the door?
The more estranged we are from our emotions, the less this natural compass can function. When it has to appear as an "uninvited guest," it makes us even more at a loss. Thus, emotions, in our eyes, completely become a nuisance that needs to be eliminated and resolved.
So, What's the Point of Discussing Feelings and Emotions in Counseling?
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