In intimate relationships, have you ever had these thoughts: "Why do we always argue about the same things?" "If we often argue, does it mean we are fundamentally incompatible?"
During arguments, you might try hard to "communicate" with the other person, but for some reason, conflicts always escalate. Or perhaps you perceive conflict as "dangerous," so you choose to maintain a distance from the other person, hoping to preserve the current peace.
However, a well-functioning partnership is not characterized by "never arguing at all." Some relationships where there are no arguments still harbor various anxieties beneath the surface; long-term superficial peace only leads both parties into their own pain and loneliness.
Before achieving more effective communication with your partner, we can try to keep the following reminders in mind.
Most conflicts in a relationship are inherently "unresolvable."
John Gottman, a world-renowned marriage psychologist, discovered in his long-term research that up to 69% of conflict issues between partners will persist in some form throughout their lives.
But do these problems really need to be "resolved"?
Just as we tend to attribute all conflicts to "incompatible personalities" — many conflicts faced in relationships indeed stem from fundamental differences in personality, lifestyle, values, and upbringing. For example, when one person prefers a spontaneous pace, while the other emphasizes a well-organized schedule; or when you need a lot of alone time, but your partner craves close companionship.
When facing these differences, if one always falls into arguments with the intention of "solving problems and changing the other person," it will likely only bring endless frustration to the current relationship. Instead, partners can learn to understand and make room for those "unresolvable differences" within the relationship.
During a conflict, there is no "absolute objective truth."
Everyone has probably heard the famous quote from the anime "Detective Conan": "There is always only one truth!" When arguments occur, the content of partners' incessant disputes often involves getting entangled in the details of events, trying to reconstruct "the truth of the matter" with the other person.
However, memory is inherently a dynamic process of construction and reconstruction. The hippocampus in the brain, when encoding and recalling information about events, is naturally susceptible to many factors that can cause errors, and "situational stress" is a significant one. When partners are arguing fiercely, we can imagine: the emotional storm that rolls up, for the amygdala in the brain, is a continuous input of threat messages.
When the amygdala is highly activated, it will further suppress the function of the hippocampus, making it difficult for it to operate normally. Therefore, we can say that in increasingly tense conflicts, memory is often less reliable. Partners can try to jointly piece together and understand each other's emotional experiences in the event, and accept the existence of two subjective realities.
Shifting from "self-protection" to "relationship protection"
In the midst of an argument, our most intuitive reaction is often "self-defense"—rushing to prove we are not wrong, proving we are the injured party, and using all our strength to build a defensive fortress in our minds. However, you can acknowledge that your pain is real, while also admitting that your partner's grievance is also real.
Moving from an adversarial "me vs. you" debate to a "we vs. the problem" journey together; from "self-protection" to jointly "protecting the relationship"—this might be the most powerful change partners can make for each other.
This might be a path that requires continuous practice and experience. However, when we are willing to re-understand conflict, it often becomes the beginning of a relationship's improvement.
References:
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2024). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (Revised Edition) (C. Chen & C. Shen, Trans.). Locus Publishing.
Tatkin, S. (2022). Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship (G. Tong, Trans.). Acorn Culture.
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