For those of you who clicked on this article, how have you been lately?
In our lives, we all face the loss of important people. After their departure, perhaps the event is like spilled paint, no matter how hard we try to wipe it clean, it still leaves traces; perhaps life continues as usual, but ripples appear at specific times, in specific situations, or on specific days; or perhaps countless clues remind us every day that "this person is no longer here, and I miss you so much."
Death seems to bring about the disappearance of the physical body and the rupture of relationships. However, you might still feel connected to them at certain moments, such as keeping their belongings, saying goodbye to their photo every morning, or feeling their presence during ancestral worship. These are all very normal phenomena, also known in psychology as "continuing bonds."
What is a continuing bond?
Continuing bond is a concept proposed by Klass et al. (1996), referring to maintaining a psychological connection with someone even after their passing, through memories, imagination, symbolic objects, or inner dialogue. The process of forming a continuing bond is also a journey of reconstructing the relationship, transforming it from an in-life relationship to an inner connection after death. It can not only help us through grief and bring comfort but also allow love and remembrance to exist in a new form.
There are actually many forms of continuing bonds! For example:
Fulfilling the deceased's last wishes
Doing things the person enjoyed during their lifetime
Writing letters or sending messages to the deceased
Burning joss paper, offering sacrifices, preparing offerings, etc., in traditional beliefs
Sometimes feeling as if the deceased is right beside you
How do continuing bonds help us adjust to grief?
① Maintain a sense of connection in the relationship ⭢ Even though the person has passed away, we can still feel that they hold a small place in our hearts by transforming the form of connection.
② Provide emotional support ⭢ In difficult times, we might imagine how the person would encourage and accompany us, thereby gaining comfort and strength 💪
③ Understand and integrate the experience of loss → This process of transforming the connection also gives us an opportunity to re-examine the relationship and the experience of loss, slowly process our feelings, and help us construct meaning from this experience.
However, while continuing bonds can bring comfort and strength, if the bond is too intense or burdensome, it may hinder the adjustment to grief. For example, some people find it difficult to accept the reality of loss and excessively seek connection with the deceased, even experiencing hallucinations related to them. This might affect daily functioning and, instead, make you feel very distressed and uncomfortable... In such cases, it is recommended to seek professional help to alleviate your suffering ❣
Create your own connection treasure box and coexist with the lost relationship
Treasure Box Tip ①: Find time to gather with relatives and friends who knew the deceased, and reminisce together about all the happy, sad, angry, and memorable moments shared with them.
Treasure Box Tip ②: If you have many things you want to say to them, then find a piece of paper and write/draw them down! Take a short ten minutes, choose a relaxing song, and in a comfortable space, intuitively write down what you want to say or create drawings. This might help sort out the cluttered thoughts in your mind~
Treasure Box Tip ③: Although the person is no longer here, believe that they still have a profound impact on you. Try to acknowledge and continue to practice these influences, such as accomplishing things you wanted to do together or continuing their kindness in your life.
After a loved one passes away, "I want to remember you so much" is a very normal feeling. Although the relationship changes due to death, it doesn't completely cease. Instead, it stays with us in a different form. Through memories, conversations, or symbolic actions, we can organize the meaning of this important relationship, adjust to the emotions and impact brought by loss, and ultimately turn it into the strength that helps us move forward 🌱
References
Goodall, R., Krysinska, K., & Andriessen, K. (2022). Continuing bonds after loss by suicide: A systematic review. International journal of environmental research and public health, 19(5), 2963. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph19052963
Klass, D., Silverman, P. R., & Nickman, S. L. (Eds.). (1996). Continuing bonds: New understandings of grief. Taylor & Francis.
Field, N. P. & Filanosky, C.(2009). Continuing bonds, risk factors for complicated grief, and adjustment to bereavement. Death Studies, 34(1), 1-29. https://doi.org/10.1080/07481180903372269
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